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THE LAD's COMMANDMENTS

1.Thou shalt not refer to members of the opposite sex using the
dictionary defined words for them (such as woman or female). Terms such
as bird,floss, tart, totty and muff should be used at all times.

2.Thou shalt not pass up opportunities to go out on the lager in order
to see a bird, unless a shag is specifically promised by the floss. Any
shag must be the first with this particular totty, and must be refused if the
night is Friday which shall be spent with the lads and remain sacred.

3.Under no circumstances should sexual intercourse be undertaken during
Match of The Day (known as "The Sabbath"). This commandment may be
broken on  the occasion of...  a) a one-night-stand floss ("cheap, filthy
tart")being  available for one night only.  b) the one night stand bloke in
question ("heroic stud") being heartily drunk c) the stud's video being set to
record  the Sabbath.  d) you can, alternatively, see the Sabbath whilst
the aforementioned tart provides a hearty blow job (every stud's right).

4.Thou shalt not eat "bird's food" i.e. quiche, salad, tofu, sweetcorn
etc.  Only food containing high amounts of cholesterol such as of
fry-up's,curry,  and kebabs may be consumed.

5.Thou shalt not address mates by their first names. Nicknames (such as
nobber, one-night-Stan or shagger) or insults (tosser, mincer, fagboy)
should be used at all times. Birds should be called their first names to
their faces, but commandment 1 applies to floss in the event of them
being  out of earshot.

6.Thou shalt not cuddle, kiss, or show any affection to a tart after
sexual  intercourse has been attained, instead the "heroic stud" should
immediately  roll over, fart and then fall asleep.

7.Thou shalt not indulge in any form of public displays of affection   (PDA's)  with a tart this includes kissing, holding of hands, cuddling
......the only  exception to this rule is an outdoor shag with a new bird.

8.Thou shalt never speak to another bloke while at the urinal.Eyes
should remain focused straight ahead at all times. Anyone who takes his time to start his business is obviously "just there to look" and anyone who uses a  cubicle obviously has a small one. These rules are final, and non-negotiable.

9.Thou shalt not attempt to do housework of any kind, irrespective of
the amount of nagging from a bird. If a bird refuses to do any housework,
seek  aid from another tart (e.g. mother or grandmother). This
commandment may only be breached if all avenues have been explored, and sexual favours have  been revoked by the bird.

10.Thou shalt not be dragged to the shops on any day, especially
Saturday afternoon whilst the football is on. Blokes do not do window shopping or go   shopping but do not buy anything - if they were supposed to show this strange trait, they would have evolved a chuff of their own. The only shops   that may be entered by blokes during the so called sacred hours
(i.e. when  footy is on telly) are off licences (for booze) and corner shops
(for razz  mags to make up for lack of bird servicing).